Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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