dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
