the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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