I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
