Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
