I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
