Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Randomize
