There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
