My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
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For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
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Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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