you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
