So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
