I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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