You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
