loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
