Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize