Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
