I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
