You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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