omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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