I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
