Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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