3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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