Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize