I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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