i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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