There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
only you would photoshop your dick
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
