i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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