All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
