my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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