there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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