I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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