Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
