JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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