you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
