Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
