Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
