John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
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It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
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We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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