So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
