i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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