How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
