I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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