It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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