i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
