All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
