What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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