normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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