i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
