...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
