Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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