Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
