I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
