Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
the liver wants what the liver wants
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
