I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
