come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
this beer tastes like vomit already
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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