the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize