I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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