just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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