im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
We talked him into tasing himself.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
