I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
