watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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