Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Randomize
