my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
